047 When Doubt Becomes Drive
The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori
influence-047-when-doubt-becomes-drive-01-audio.mp3
===
Have you ever been told that you couldn't do something? That somebody doubted you? Maybe it was your teacher, your boss, a colleague, a friend. Maybe it was a family member where you wanted to do something, or you wanted to pursue something. You wanted to achieve something, and they doubted you. When they doubted you, what did you do?
What was your response? Did it crush you? Did it stop you in your tracks or did it ignite you into action? See, sometimes doubt can stop us right where we are. And sometimes it can drive us further and push us and give us the fuel and the energy that we need. You know, one time I, when I was in my third grade class, I remember this, but I'm not entirely sure, like it's like a foggy memory.
I'm not sure if it was said to me or if it was said in front of me to someone else, but I remember the feeling that I had. We had a substitute teacher in third grade and she went around the room asking everybody what they wanted to be when they grew up. And I remember that for me, I was, I used to say that I wanted to be a doctor or that I wanted to be a veterinarian, and our substitute teacher said to us, especially when people chose things like astronauts, president of the United States doctor,
She told them to pick another career because, quote, you will never get out of this neighborhood. End quote. I grew up in a sort of a, an urban suburb of Philadelphia. I remember her asking people what their parents did and for me, my, my parents were divorced. My, my mother was a secretary, my father was a machinist.
And, I remember her telling us that we should pick something closer to what our parents did, That was unrealistic for us to consider. Anything else? So pick something else. Pick something closer to what your parents are doing. Pick something closer to what you see in the neighborhood.
What awful advice that is, by the way. sometimes people give us advice and they think they're doing us a favor. And sometimes they actually are, if we take the moment to reflect on it. But in this case, it's way too early. I was in third grade right? Now, another time I, when I was in college, I went to meet with the college pre-med advisor.
She was concerned about my choice of major. I happened to have majored in Africana studies and and I was at a competitive school Cornell University where I'm sure they're very concerned about the acceptance rate into medical school for those who apply because that's something that's used in recruiting.
And I remember thinking this as my, pre-med advisor said to me, "Don't apply. You won't get in." Now I said something to her that I regret 'cause it's against my character in a way, but I told her, I'll send you a copy of the acceptance letter. And I left her office. I never sent her a copy of the acceptance letter.
-------
[ ***** Do you want Dr. Tori to help you with a sticky problem you've been trying to address? Or do you want coaching on being a more persuasive and impactful communicator? Schedule an influence strategy call: InfluenceConsult.com ***** ]
-------
I actually, I kind of felt bad that I even brought that up, that I even said it that way, But it wasn't, I don't think it was coming from a place of arrogance. I hope it wasn't, it wouldn't be now, certainly. But it definitely drove me. I remember thinking at that moment and I brought it up on a couple med school interviews.
They would ask me, why did you major in Africana studies? And of course, depending on who they were, I told them the truth. That I felt like I was lied to about history. When I started to be exposed to what happened to the African diaspora, I felt like I was lied to and I wanted to understand more and learn more, that there was much more happening on the earth besides the European, north American version of history.
So I wanted to see, I wanted to understand it. I wanted to learn it. I was thirsty for it. So I dove in and eventually, I had so many classes that it became my major now.
the point is I remember this coming up on medical school interviews as well where they would ask me, so why Africana Studies? And my reply on a couple of them was, why not? I want to serve in, in this, I want to serve the environment that I grew up in.
I want to help people who who don't have the means I want. I wanna work in an environment where I'm not gonna talk to them. If I'm a biology major, I'm not gonna talk to them about their phospholipid bilayer or their receptor sites. I'm gonna talk to them about real stuff. That's how I'm gonna relate to my patients.
That's how I'm gonna relate to their families. And so I remember thinking this when the pre-med advisor told me that my major was gonna hinder my application to med school. And so anyway, there were others too in life where somebody doubted and it made me take an action like drove me. And I'm sure you've had some similar experiences, but having grown up near Philadelphia and being a Philadelphia everything fan fly, Eagles fly I, I always referred to this phenomenon as Rocky Syndrome, as Rocky Syndrome. somebody tells you you can't, and then it drives you to do the thing anyway.
Now, in psychology, there are multiple different theories and principles that come into play in this phenomenon. One of them is reactance motivation. That is when people resist limitations that are placed on them, So the third grade substitute teacher says, you'll never get out of this neighborhood.
And then you're like, oh yeah, I'll show you. Or you'll never make the team. Oh yeah, I'll show you. I'll bust my rear end to get going. that's a reactance motivation. The the underdog effect, similar. we tend to root for those who are underestimated, those who are coming from behind, those who are starting from behind.
We tend to root for them. Those who have no chance. we want them to overcome that massive challenge ahead of them. That's the underdog effect. And then of course there's cognitive dissonance and identity. when you think about those two together, when someone challenges who we believe we are, we push back and we push back hard.
And this also aligns with, in Dr. Robert Cialdini's work in Social psychology the influence, the Psychology of Persuasion. the, principle of commitment and consistency when we've committed to something I. We're more likely to remain consistent with it.
So you've committed to a certain path, somebody pushes back, you dig your heels in, and you push forward. Now there are countless stories from, popular literature, famous people, et cetera, and you probably know a. Ton of people in your own life where you saw that happen to them, and maybe it happened to you, Michael Jordan, classic example, he, in his Hall of Fame speech, he invited his high school coach because his, he was cut from his high school team.
And think about that. Michael Jordan being cut from his high school team. Was that a mistake? No. Maybe that was a driver, right? Maybe that fueled him. Maybe that doubt, maybe that moment is what fueled him. Oprah Winfrey, Classic example also from the area I live in right now, Baltimore, she was told that she wasn't fit for television.
And look at what she ultimately accomplished, right? On television, with television and then in all the other peripheral, businesses and efforts that she has. And then, if you think about Sylvester Stallone, The whole concept of a Rocky syndrome. If you think about the movie Rocky, he was rejected.
every time he presented his script, every time he wanted to be the lead actor, all of those things, he was told he wouldn't be able to act in it. And he was told his script was trash. Yeah. And yet it went on to be, I don't even know how many Rockies they made. I, I questioned the acting in the first one especially, but nonetheless it's still, it was Rocky Syndrome in and of itself.
He was doubted and he pushed through and he went and did it anyway. And then it was a blockbuster, and it's still being referred to decades later. Here's the point When someone doubts you. I recommend that you take some actions here or some thought and some reflection. there are four.
The first is if someone doubts you and they express that doubt, the first is to pause and reflect. Are they correct? What do they see? Is there something that they see that, maybe you have to, assess better or, account for in some way? That, that third grade teacher when she said that we would never get out of the neighborhood.
Okay let's reflect on that. Why don't people get outta the neighborhood? What happens? Do they get sucked into the wrong crowd? Do they have fewer opportunities? do they have, different teachers and, resources available to them? What is it? Because if you assess, if you take a moment and say, wait a minute, why does she think I can't get into the, into medical school with this Africana studies degree?
Well assess, how is that a disadvantage? If it's a disadvantage? Analyze it, figure it out. What, how could you turn it into an advantage? The fact is, when I applied to medical school, I was the only one probably of I'm sure there were other Africana studies majors, but if you think about somebody who's applying with a biology major, there being compared to all the other biology majors, I was an N of one.
So how do you turn it into an advantage? So the first step is when someone doubts you, do an honest assessment first, are they correct? What would I need to do to overcome this? don't just push back for the sake of pushing back. Assess. Are they accurate? Sometimes the people closest to us will tell us their piece of advice because they're trying to look out for us.
They might think, they don't want us to be disappointed in case we don't get in or we don't accomplish that goal, or we don't achieve that milestone. They want to protect us from the feeling of not achieving something, but in the process, it holds us back. Assess, are they correct?
And if they are, what do I need to do if I still wanna stay on this path? And then choose your path forward. The second thing I would say is if you've assessed and you're committed and you're gonna, you're gonna move forward, let the doubt fuel you, but don't let it consume you. Let the fact that others doubted you fuel you, but don't let it consume you.
This is really important because. If you let it consume you, if it becomes your reason why that will fade. It won't work. It won't last. And not only that, it will corrupt your intentions. I did another podcast episode on how we corrupt our intentions over time. You don't want to do it because someone told you couldn't, but when they do tell you you can't and you're sure you wanna accomplish it and you're driven, then use it as fuel to keep going, but don't make it your reason why.
Another thing I would say is to shift your focus. So the third thing is to shift your focus. Some people want to prove them wrong. You wanna prove them wrong. That's one way Another potential focus is I'm gonna prove myself right? That's slightly better. Rather than proving them wrong, I'm gonna prove me right?
That's slightly better, but even better is to say, who am I gonna serve? I'm gonna serve them in the best way possible. So take it from about the person who doubted you to you, to the people you're gonna serve, because that service is what will drive you. your ability to contribute to someone else's life in a way that is, even to just think about it like.
That substitute teacher, thank God she was just a substitute teacher and not my real third grade teacher because, she shouldn't be telling people that. if you can shift your focus to the service of others, sometimes like for me it became like a, almost like a question of justice.
How dare you. Tell a group of us in this neighborhood that we're never gonna get out of this neighborhood, or that we're not gonna change our neighborhood for the better. Like, how dare you. That's so shift the focus and say, you know what? I'm gonna serve the neighborhood. I'm gonna serve people and I'm gonna show her, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna do this thing.
So shift the focus away from the person doubting you and away from just about you. To the people you're gonna serve. That's the third thing. And then the fourth thing I would say is find the right support around you. You might need a mentor, you might need a coach. You might need to change who your friends are
The support around you is vital. To you, your success in whatever you were doubted in and your drive and your desire to accomplish something that. Don't underestimate the power of a coach. Don't underestimate the power of a mentor and certainly don't underestimate the group that you hang around because they will influence how you feel about yourself, how you feel about where you're going, how you even choose where to go.
So when someone doubts you, you can let that doubt become drive. You don't need someone to doubt you for it to become a reason for you to take action. But if they do use it as fuel, use it as fuel. Now, if you're doubting yourself and it's your self-doubt, well that would be some, hypnotic jiujitsu if you could use your own self-doubt as fuel, but self-doubt is
is worthy of its own, podcast episode. It's a different animal. It has different tools available, that are necessary to overcome self-doubt, and I certainly am not immune to it. Again, you don't need someone to doubt you to take action, but if they do use it as fuel.
Let their doubt become your drive.
I'll see you in the next episode.
-----------
This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day.
[ ***** Do you want Dr. Tori to help you with a sticky problem you've been trying to address? Or do you want coaching on being a more persuasive and impactful communicator? Schedule an influence strategy call: InfluenceConsult.com ***** ]
[ ***** PS - Guess what?! Dr. Tori already distilled all of the best books on influence and communication for you. Learn more here: InfluenceBookClub.com ***** ]