026 Influence is Inert, But It's Never Neutral
influence-026-influence-is-inert-but-never-neutral-01-audio
This is Dr. Tori. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show where we make every day better and we influence for good.
Influence has an influence problem. Now, in my 20 plus years of studying influence from multiple different domains, I've come across the same objection time and time again. And that is people wonder, is this manipulative? Is it deceitful? Is it underhanded? Is it evil? If you're influencing somebody intentionally, if you're purposely influencing somebody, isn't that wrong?
This is a very common objection. And let me tell you what I've learned through the years. So first is that. As I studied from multiple different domains and different disciplines, I found a passion for influence and rapport and engagement because all of my relationships improved. Not because I had some ill intent, not because I had some something that I wanted out of it, but all of my relationships genuinely, sincerely improved across the board.
I felt like I was becoming a better human, a better neighbor, a better spouse, a better parent, a better son in law, a better son, a better colleague, a better physician, all by studying influence and rapport and implementing it in my life and making it part of my habits. Now, along the way, it's interesting.
So it first became my passion because I loved it. And I loved giving what we call in hypnosis, hypnotic gifts, where you can change someone's life in a moment that like that became addictive to me. And it's something that like, I found it to be my passion because I loved it. I love helping people get to a better place and in a conversation, in a single one off conversation or from a stage or in a workshop, I love it.
It's like my passion. However, Sometimes people find a passion by finding something they hate, and I also found that. The more I studied marketing, the more I studied influence, the more I studied even from some of the dark arts, so that I could understand how they worked, what principles they were using.
The more I understood those, the more I learned from them, I found something I really hated. And that is when I look at things like bigger industries that are like, say the junk food industry, the soda industry, the entertainment industry, Coca Cola, Anheuser Busch, Philip Morris, Burger King, Pepsi, McDonald's, like all of these game companies and all that, like they are using billions and billions of dollars and lots of resources, lots of talent, lots of mental energy, lots of study, To get people to do the things that I, as a parent, as a physician, as a community member, a community leader, I'm trying to undo, they're getting people to do the things that I'm trying to undo.
So to me, it actually became a duty. It was like, you know, if you think about it, if you're a teacher. you have a duty to influence your students. You have a duty to enhance their curiosity. You have a duty to make it so that their eyes don't glaze over when you talk about your subject that you're teaching them.
You have a duty to shape their curiosity. Love of learning and their, their path forward to their careers and their service to humanity. That's your duty as a teacher. You have a duty as a parent to raise your child. You have a duty as a friend to console your friend if they're going through loss or breakup or divorce or just got a bad diagnosis.
It's your duty as the friend of that person, it is your duty. If you are clergy and you're speaking from a pulpit, it's your duty to move the masses to a better place. If you're a coach or a mentor, it's your duty to move that person to a better place.
[ ***** Quickly learn the most impactful lessons and skills from the best books on influence and communication. Learn more about the community here: InfluenceBookClub.com ***** ]
What is it about influence that feels so wrong?
Well, first of all, let me just say this. Influence is inert, meaning it is neither good nor bad. It's a tool, and you can use it for good, and you can use it for bad. But here's the thing. It's never neutral. You're always influencing. Whether you like it or not, whether you're being deliberate or not, whether you're being intentional or not, you are influencing.
So what I submit to you is turn that into influence for good. Be deliberate. Be intentional. Being intentional about moving somebody is not deceitful. I'll tell you why. Because there are certain times where we have interactions where there's like a social contract, right? If I, as a physician, am talking to a patient, there's a social contract.
It's understood. They're coming to me for their well being and their wellness and getting better, right? And it's also, it's understood that I am coming from a patient. A background in medicine with some expertise and have their best interest at heart. And so that is the social contract. The moment I violate that social contract is the moment that my influence becomes deceitful, negative, wrong, underhanded,
Manipulative is the moment I use it for some other service. if you're a parent, your duty is to influence your kids.
And you're always influencing your kids, but let me ask you something. Do you want Philip Morris, Burger King, McDonald's, Anheuser Busch, Coca Cola, all these guys, do you want them to win? If Because they are. They are winning. You know why? Because which would you rather have? A happy meal with a toy in it?
We all get to go out. There's five things. Collect all five. Or, you better eat your chicken, mister, or you're not getting any dessert. Well, no wonder. No wonder McDonald's is winning. No wonder Burger King is winning. So, it's your duty to influence. And so, you better eat your chicken, mister, or you're not getting any dessert, is not neutral.
It's not neutral. In fact, you're actually influencing them in not the best of manners, right? So the same thing goes if you're a teacher and the kids eyes are glazing over, if you're a teacher and you're, you're not managing the classroom in such a way you are influencing the kids in a negative way. So influence is not neutral. And what I submit to you is that it's your duty. It is not deceitful to do it intentionally. there are certain areas where influence will cross a boundary. Okay. Where it crosses the boundary is one, if it violates the social contract. If you're a parent, it's your duty to raise your children.
Your children know that you have their best interests at heart. You have their best interests at heart. And. You're trying to get them to grow up and be responsible adults and, upstanding citizens, that is your role. That is the contract. If you're a, if you're a nurse and you're caring for a patient you, that is your contract.
You're in that role, and that is the, your duty to, to serve in that role. It's understood, it's accepted by both parties your duty is to move them to a better place, right?
If you're a teacher, your job is to teach, impart knowledge, impart curiosity, impart a love of learning. That is your role. That's your social contract. And if you're not fulfilling that, or if you're stepping outside of that role and doing something else, if you're a teacher, teaching chemistry class and you're influencing the kids in their politics or in their faith, then that might actually be where you violate the contract.
That is where you step over the bounds. So violating a social contract is one. Two, using deceit intentionally. So to, to withhold information or give false information about something or
manipulating emotions in a way that doesn't serve,So what do I mean by influence is never neutral? You're always influencing. Your behavior is being seen and witnessed. If you're in a group, the group's behavior is influencing others. The your smile, your greeting, The pace at which you walk, the cadence of your speech, the tone of your speech, all of these things are influencing people.
Now, you can be influencing for good, you can be influencing for bad, but it's not neutral. You are influencing people. If you are walking into a room, a meeting, and you greet people, you can do that in a way that's optimal, or you can do that in a way that's suboptimal. But, either way, the greeting is happening.
You are influencing others. Now, here's our problem. We're winging it. Why are we winging it? Why are we winging it? When we go into a conversation, why are we winging it? When we go into a meeting? Why are we, why are we winging it as we raise our kids? It doesn't make sense. Guess what? Philip Morris, Burger King, McDonald's, Anheuser Busch.
They're not, they're not winging it. They're being very deliberate. They're using data. They're using learning. They're using experts in these fields to get people to do the things that they want them to do. You have a duty to stand up to that, as a parent, as a teacher, as an upstanding citizen in the world.
Now look, the other thing that goes into influence and whether or not it crosses a boundary is your intention. Your intention. You can take the same exact action, let's say politicians. Politicians can stand on the debate stand and get ready to advocate for their issues. One might be there because, you know what?
They want the perks that come with insider knowledge on stock trading, where they want the power that comes along with it, where they want they want the status and the wealth that comes with it. And someone else might be there because you know what? They saw a real need and they're advocating for it.
That's what they're doing. They decided to go into politics because they wanted to advocate for this issue. climate change, or poverty or access to resources, or things like that. And so they got into politics to advocate for that. That is a good intention.
To do it for one's self, one's own gain, one's personal gain, you're violating a social contract, and those intentions are not good. Essentially, when it comes to influence, is it good or is it bad?
whether or not your influence crosses a boundary and becomes manipulative, deceitful, evil, underhanded, etc. Is if you violate the contract. If you have ill intent or if you're moving people to a place that does not serve, and those are the three things essentially.
And so I would submit to you that we need to stop winging it. We need to be deliberate, especially those of you who have good intentions, who are adhering to the social contract, who have a role that has a responsibility that you must fulfill. And you want to serve and you want to move people to a better place and you know what that better place is based on your knowledge or expertise or learning that you, it's your duty to influence so we can sit back and say, you know what, that's underhanded, that's evil.
Okay, let McDonald's win, let Anheuser Busch win, let the gaming industry win, let the pornography industry win. That's what essentially what you're doing if you are not deliberate about your influence. So what I submit to you is stop winging it, be deliberate, and serve. Influence for good. Be deliberate about how you greet people.
Be deliberate about that gift you're about to give. Be deliberate about how you welcome someone new into your company. Be deliberate about how you collaborate with another team member. Be deliberate about that email. Stop winging it. Stop winging it.
I'll see you in the next episode.
-----------
This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day.
[ ***** PS - Guess what?! Dr. Tori already distilled all of the best books on influence and communication for you. Learn more here: InfluenceBookClub.com ***** ]
